Abbreviations used:
acro. - Acronym;  adj. - Adjective;  adv. - Adverb
int. - Interjection;  n. - Noun;  phrs. - Phrase;  v. - Verb

A (top of page)

AARDVARK
  n.  Strenuous labor.

ABASH
  n.  A great party.

ACOUSTIC
  n.  Instrument used in billiards.

ACTOR
  n.  Someone who tries to be everything but himself.

ACURA
  1.  acro.  All Cars Usually Require Adjustment.
  2.  acro. Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents.
  3.  acro.  Any Child Understands Real Automobiles.
  4.  acro.  Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents.
  5.  acro.  Awful, Crappy, Unreliable, Rusty Automobile.

ACUTE
  n.  The opposite of an ugly.

ADVIL
  n.  Device used to hammer things on.

ADVICE
  n.  The smallest current coin.

AELUROPHOBIA
  n.  Fear of cats.

AFTER-MATH
  n.  The period following algebra.

AIBOHPHOBIA
  n.  Fear of palindromes.

AIDS
  v.  Looking for love in all the wrong places.

ALARM CLOCK
  n.  Machine that scares the daylights into you.
  adj.  Something that makes people rise and whine.

ALIMONY
  v.  Bye now, pay later.

ALTERNATING CURRENT
  phrs.  Bi-sexual electrons.

AN UDDER FAILURE
  phrs.  Cow that doesn't give milk.

ANARCHY
  n.  Such a good idea, it should be the law.

ANNOYING
  n.  Two people who go right on talking when you're interrupting.

ANOREXIC
  adj.  Weakened by Mass Deduction.

ANTINATTER
  n.  Chats with Mom's sister(s).

ANTIQUE SHOP
  n.  A place where sale items are very old and the prices are very modern.

ANXIETY
  n.  Nature's way of getting you up mornings.

APPARENT
  n.  A large, old, bossy person who tortures youths.

ARCHAEOLOGIST
  n.  Person whose career lies in ruins.

ARTERY
  n.  Study of fine paintings.

ARTICULATTE
  adj.  The talkative quality of someone who consumes a lot of coffee-based beverages. (from John Blackburn)

ASPIRIN
  v.  Having great ambitions.

ASTRONOMER
  n.  A night watchman.

ATHEISM
  n.  A non-prophet organization.

ATOMIC BOMB
  n.  Thing that makes molehills out of mountains.

AUDI
  acro.  Accelerates Under Demonic Influence.

B (top of page)

BABY PHILOSOPHY
  phrs.  If it stinks, change it.

BACHELOR
  1.  n.  One who never makes the same mistake once.
  2.  n.  One who's footloose and fiancée free.

BACTERIA
  1.  n.  Lunchroom for chiropractors.
  2.  n.  Rear portion of a cafeteria.

BAD DAY
  phrs.  A day when everyone loves your drivers license photo.

BANALYSIS
  n.  The minutiae to which television news viewers are subjected each time a major news story breaks. (from Bruce Levin)

BANKERS' HOURS
  phrs.  That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf. SEE GOLF.

BARIUM
  v.  What doctors do when treatment fails.

BARNEY
  1.  n.  Well known purple mutant eggplant from Hell.
  2.  n.  A Smurf on steroids.

BARNEY & FRIENDS
  phrs.  An adult's virtual reality trip through Jurassic Park.

BEETLE
  acro.  Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine.

BIGAMY
  n.  One wife too many. Monogamy: same idea.

BLABBERGAST
  1.  n.  empty or unfulfilled campaign promises.
  2.  v.  to make them knowingly.

BLACK CLOTHES
  n.  Ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture.

BMW
    1. acro.  Babbling Mechanical Wench.
    2. acro.  Bastard Money Wielders.
    3. acro.  Beastly Monstrous Wonder.
    4. acro.  Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels.
    5. acro.  Beautiful Mechanical Wonder.
    6. acro.  Big Money Waster.
    7. acro.  Big Money Works.
    8. acro.  Blasphemized Motorized Wreck.
    9. acro.  Blasphemous Motorized Wreck.
  10. acro.  Born Moderately Wealthy.
  11. acro.  Break My Windows.
  12. acro.  Broken Money Waster.
  13. acro.  Broken Monstrous Wonder.
  14. acro.  Brutal Money Waster.
  15. acro.  Bumbling Mechanical Wretch.
  16. acro.  Bring Money With you.

BOASTING
  n.  Pitter patter of little feats.

BOEING
  adj.  The sound a plane makes when it hits the ground.

BORE
  n.  One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you.

BORG CABLE CO
  phrs.  Subscriber's wishes are irrelevant.

BORG COLA
  phrs.  The choice of the Next Generation.

BORG TRIVIAL PURSUIT
  phrs.  Assimilating irrelevant information.

BORG TV
  phrs.  One Channel. Anything else is irrelevant.

BOW TIE
  acro.  Big Over Weight Tired Impotent Engines.

BOY SCOUTS, THE
  n.  Like the army with adult supervision.

BUICK
  1.  acro.  Big Ugly Import Car Killer.
  2.  acro.  Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
  3.  acro.  Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean.

BUREAUCAT
  n.  A kitty who sleeps on your undies.

BUSHMAN
  n.  Katherine Harris.

BUSHWHACK
  1.  n.  A hollow victory.  SEE GORE.
  2.  v.  Gore.

C (top of page)

CAFFEINE
  1.  n.  The fifth food group.
  2.  n.  Everything you could want in a drink.

CAMARO
  acro.  Can't America Make A Real One?

CAPITALISM
  n.  Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse.

CAT (kat')
  1.  n.  A dog with an attitude problem.
  2.  n.  Animal that tastes JUST like chicken
  3.  n.  Fast, psychotic animal bred for target practice.

CAT GAME
  phrs.  Fit into the smallest space available.

CAT TOY
  n.  Any object on the ground.

CATACLYSM
  n.  Bible study classes for cats.

CATACOMB
  n.  Used for brushing cat hair.

CATALAN OPENING
  phrs.  Starting a local area network for cats.

CATASTROPHE
  n.  An award for the cat with the nicest buns.

CATATONIC
  n.  Italian beverage most preferred by cats.

CATGUT
  phrs.  My dog got fleas but my catgut kittens.

CATHOLIC
  n.  A cat with a drinking problem.

CATOLIC
  n.  A religiously clean Cat.

CATS
  1.  n.  God's way of saying your furniture is too nice.
  2.  n.  Good for dusting high places.
  3.  n.  Proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.
  4.  n.  Proof that not everything in nature has a function.

CATS' FAVORITE GAME
  phrs.  Hah - made you look!

CATSCAN
  n.  Hi-tech device for examining cats.

CATSKILL MOUNTAINS
  1.  n.  Mountain range with dangerous cats.
  2.  n.  The land of dead mice.

CENSORISM
  *. * ****** *********

CHEVROLET
  1.  acro.  Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time.
  2.  acro.  Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.

CHEVY
  1.  acro.  Charged Heavily.
  2.  acro.  Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet.

CHICKEN
  n.  The egg's way of making more eggs.

CHILDISH GAME
  n.  One at which you cannot beat your spouse.

CHOCOLATE
  n.  The other major food group.

CHRYSLER
  1.  acro.  Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs.
  2.  acro.  Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's.

CITROEN
  acro.  Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters.

CLINTON/GORE
  n.  The Beavis and Butthead of politics.

COBOL
  acro.  Crude Outdated Boring Obsolete Language.

COMMITTEE
  1.  n.  12 people doing the work of one.
  2.  n.  A life form with six or more legs and no brain.
  3.  n.  A group that keeps the minutes but wastes the hours.

COMPUTER
  n.  Machine that makes very fast, very accurate mistakes.

COMPUTER USERS
  n.  Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three subgroups:
  NOVICE USERS: People who are afraid that pressing a key might break their computer.
  INTERMEDIATE USERS: People who can't fix their computer after pressing a key and breaking it.
  EXPERT USERS: People who break other people's computers.

CONCLUSION
  n.  Where somebody got tired of thinking.

CONFERENCE MANAGEMENT
  phrs.  Trying to herd cats.

CONGRESS
  n.  Political Asylum.

CONSCIENCE
  n.  The inner voice warning you that somebody is looking.

CONSCIOUSNESS
  n.  That annoying time between naps.

COURAGE
  n.  Fear extinguisher.

CREDIT CARD
  n.  A way to increase ones yearning.

CRISCO
  n.  A person who got fried by buying Cisco at $80 a share. (from Jim Schutz)

CROISSAUNT
  n.  Mom's flaky sister. (from Nancy Purvis)

CYNIC
  n.  Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

D (top of page)

DATABASE
  n.  More information than you'll ever need.

DATSUN
  acro.  Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips.

DEATH
  n.  Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

DEAFICIT
  n.  A budget problem no one wants to hear about. (from Michael & Janet Singer)

DELICATE
  n.  A dainty kitten who likes kosher.

DENTURE CAPITALIST
  n.  Financier whose agreements lack real teeth. (from Ken Braly)

DIME
  n.  A dollar after taxes.

DIPLOMACY
  n.  The art of letting somebody have your way.

DODGE
  1.  acro.  Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter.
  2.  acro.  Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere.
  3.  acro.  Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere.

DOG
  n.  Foot Warmer.

DOGMATISM
  n.  Puppyism come to full growth.

DOOR
  n.  Something a cat or dog wants to be on the other side of.

DOWNLOAFING
  n.  Surfing the net when you should be working. (from Michael Vaughn)

DROWNSIZING
  n.  Concrete example of how the Mafia gives the boot to employees who don't keep the business afloat. (from Duff Howell)

E (top of page)

EARTH
  adv.  Mostly Harmless.

EGOSYSTEM
  n.  The self-sustaining collection of yes-men and sycophants who orbit around sports stars, celebrities, and various executives. (from Katie Fitzgerald)

EGOTIST
  n.  Someone who talks much and thinks little. see BOASTING.

ELASTIC
  n.  Oprah's pants.

EXPERIENCE
  n.  What you get when you don't get what you want.

EXPERIMENT
  1.  n.  One-legged cats are easier to throw.
  2.  n.  Cats without legs never land on all fours.

F (top of page)

FELINIOUS ASSAULT
  n.  Striking someone with a cat.

FIAT
  1.  acro.  Failure In Automotive Technology.
  2.  acro.  Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation.
  3.  acro.  Fix It Again Tony.
  4.  acro.  Fix It All the Time.

FINE
  n.  Tax for doing wrong. Tax: fine for doing fine.

FLAGULANCE
  n.  An outburst of flags, such as on Veterans Day. (from Paul Metz)

FLASHLIGHT
  n.  A device used to store dead batteries.

FOOT
  n.  A device for finding furniture in the dark.

FORD
  1.  acro.  (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot.
  2.  acro.  First On Recall Day.
  3.  acro.  First On Race Day.
  4.  acro.  Fix Or Repair Daily.
  5.  acro.  Found On Road Dead.
  6.  acro.  Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's.

FREE
  n.  Flying lessons for your cat, off the Sears Tower.

FURFUL
  n.  What you get when you pet your cat or dog too much.

G (top of page)

GABSTINENCE
  n.  When chat rooms are your only sexual outlet. (from Sheila Banning)

GM
  1.  acro.  General Mistake.
  2.  acro.  Grungy Merchandise.

GMC
  1.  acro.  Garage Man's Companion.
  2.  acro.  Generally Mediocre Cars.
  3.  acro.  Got Mechanic Coming.
  4.  acro.  Got More Crap.

GOD
  n.  The only one who really knows what he is talking about.

GOLFER
  n.  One who yells "fore!", takes five and writes down three.

GORE
  1.  n.  A hollow defeat.  SEE BUSHWHACK.
  2.  v.  Bushwhack.

GTI
  acro.  Got Tossers Inside.

GUI
  acro.  Grab the User In-the-face.

H (top of page)

HANGOVER
  n.  The wrath of grapes.

HEALTH
  n.  The slowest possible rate of dying.

HEAVY
  adj.  Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

HOBBY
  adv.  Getting exhausted on your own time.

HONDA
  1.  acro.  Hand Over Dollars to Asians.
  2.  acro.  Helping Out Nips Destroying America.
  3.  acro.  Hold Overs Not Doing Anything.

HUH
  int.  Primary word of the teenage language.

HUMAN
  n.  Useful domestic animal, popular with cats.

I (top of page)

IBM
  n.  A non-service profit organization.

ILLINOIS
  adv.  Not as boring as you think.

INSANITY
  n.  A Primary method of survival.

INVESTORK
  n.  A lead investor in early stage funding. (from Raj Dhingra)

IRAQ
  v.  Past tense of Iran.

J (top of page)

JAGUAR
  acro.  Jews And Germans Usually Argue Retail.

JEEP
  1.  acro.  Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts.
  2.  acro.  Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole.
  3.  acro.  Jumps Everything Ever Parked.
  4.  acro.  Junk Electrical and Emissions Parts.
  5.  acro.  Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts.
  6.  acro.  Just Eat Every Pickle.

JOB
  n.  A really, really, really, bad joke.

JOURNALISM
  n.  Literature in a hurry.

K (top of page)

KARAOKE
  n.  A Japanese word meaning Tone Deaf American.

KEYBEARD
  n.  The unsightly stain that develops around the edges of a well-used computer button. (from Erika Hiramatsu)

KITTY LITTER
  v.  Throwing cats out a car window.

KITTY WELLS
  n.  where cats go to drink.

L (top of page)

LAPTOP
  n.  where my kitties sleep.

LAWYER
  n.  The larval form of Politician.

LIFE
  1.  n.  Something to do when you can't get to sleep.
  2.  n.  What happens to you while you are making other plans.
  3.  n.  Circus and all the clowns are in Washington.
  4.  n.  A first draft, with no rewrite.
  5.  n.  Series of rude awakenings.  Usage: If life is unfair, why can't it be unfair in my favor?

LSD
  n.  Virtual Reality without all the fancy hardware.

LUDDATE
  n.  Someone you are going out with who does not understand your obsession with technology. (from Lisa Lawrence)

M (top of page)

MASON-DIXON LINE
  n.  Line that separates Y'all from the Youse Guys.

MAZDA
  1.  acro.  Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly.
  2.  acro.  Making A Zillion Dollars Annually.

MCAFEE
  n.  Patron saint of paranoid computer users.

MEEEEE
  int.  What Geronimo says when he jumps out of a plane.

MEXICO'S LARGEST EXPORT
  phrs.  Their population.

MICE CRISPIES
  phrs.  Breakfast of champion cats!

MICROSOFA
  n.  A piece of furniture which, while it looked fine in the showroom, gradually begins to dominate the living room, eventually forcing you to replace all the other furniture, including the TV, to be "compatible". (from Earl Cohen)

MILLENNIUM
  n.  1000 years.  Two of them make 2001.  See Y2K.

MODEM
  1.  n.  A deterrent to phone solicitors.
  2.  acro.  Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine.
  3.  adv.  How a southerner asks for seconds.

MODERATOR
  n.  Also known as god, dictator, egotist, oppressor.

MOORE'S LOW
  n.  The processing power of a computer more than 18 months old. (from Don Bergstedt)

MOPAR
  1.  acro.  Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars.
  2.  acro.  Most Often Passed At Races.
  3.  acro.  Mostly Old Paint And Rust.
  4.  acro.  Mostly Old Parts And Rust.

MOTHERBORED
  n.  In many homes, a technology discussion at dinner between father and the kids. (from Bruce Kerr)

MULTITASKING
  n.  The art of screwing up several things at once.

N (top of page)

NANUTECHNOLOGY
  n.  What enabled Mork to communicate with the planet Ork. (from Jeff Suto)

NAPA
  acro.  Never Any Parts Available.

NERVOUS
  adj.  Asking which wine goes best with fingernails.

NISSAN
  acro.  Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon.

NORTON
  n.  Patron saint of lost files.

NOSTALGIA BUFF
  phrs.  One who finds the past perfect and present tense.

NOW
  n.  A moment in time that has already passed.

NURSERY
  n.  Place where nurses are made.

O (top of page)

OFFSHORN
  v.  Getting cut because your job moved overseas. (from Rainer Richter)

OLDSMOBILE
  acro.  Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel.

ONCE (wuns)
  adv.  Enough.

ORGAN DONOR
  phrs.  A motorcyclist without a helmet.

OXYMORON
    1. phrs.  A compassionate Republican.
    2. phrs.  A thinking liberal.
    3. phrs.  Airline food.
    4. phrs.  Alone together.
    5. phrs.  Artificial intelligence
    6. phrs.  Athletic scholarships.
    7. phrs.  Baby grand.
    8. adj.    Bittersweet.
    9. phrs.  Brave politician.
  10. phrs.  Budget Resolution.
  11. phrs.  Bug free code.
  12. phrs.  Business ethics.
  13. phrs.  Capital Punishment.
  14. phrs.  Chicken fingers.
  15. n.       Civil War.
  16. phrs.  Classic Rock.
  17. phrs.  Cold fire.
  18. phrs.  Completely Unfinished.
  19. phrs.  Computer security.
  20. phrs.  Congressional ethics.
  21. phrs.  Constant Change.
  22. phrs.  Constant variable.
  23. phrs.  Conventional wisdom.
  24. phrs.  Criminal justice.
  25. phrs.  Death benefits.
  26. phrs.  Dodge Ram.
  27. phrs.  Down Escalator.
  28. phrs.  Dream Reality.
  29. phrs.  Dry ice.
  30. phrs.  Dry wine.
  31. phrs.  Dull point.
  32. phrs.  Educational Television.
  33. phrs.  Elementary calculus.
  34. phrs.  Even Odds.
  35. phrs.  Fast idle.
  36. phrs.  Final version.
  37. phrs.  Finished buildings.
  38. phrs.  Firewater.
  39. phrs.  Free love.
  40. phrs.  Freezer burn.
  41. phrs.  Fresh frozen.
  42. phrs.  Friendly fire.
  43. phrs.  Good Grief.
  44. phrs.  Progressive Conservative.

P (top of page)

PEANUTS
  n.  My paycheck.

PENTROPY
  n.  Tendency of office supplies to become disorganized over time. (from Sheila Banning)

PEST
  n.  A friend in need.

PHILOSOPHY
  n.  A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.

PINTO
  acro.  Put In New Transmission Often.

PIZZA
  n.  The fourth food group.

POLITICIAN
  n.  The adult form of a lawyer.

POLITICS
  1.  n.  Poly: many + Tics: blood sucking parasites.
  2.  n.  The entertainment branch of industry.

PONTIAC
  acro.  Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac.

PORSCHE
  1.  acro.  Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine.
  2.  acro.  Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough.
  3.  acro.  Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions.

POVERTY
  n.  Having too much month left at the end of the money.

PROFESSOR
  n.  Someone who talks in somebody else's sleep.

PROGRESS
  n.  Opposite of Congress.

PROMISORRY
  n.  A qualified apology to an insincere promise, as in, "I know I said no new taxes, but...". (from Bill Lusto).  Also see BLABBERGAST.

PRONOUN
  n.  A noun that has lost it's amateur status.

PROSTITUTE
  n.  Receiver of swollen goods.

PROTOCOOL
  n.  The hipness factor in saying you work on TCP/IP network protocol. (from Mark Streich)

PURR
  n.  The sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

PURRANOIA
  n.  Fear the cat is up to something.

Q (top of page)

R (top of page)

RADIOACTIVE CAT
  n.  Cat with 18 half lives.

REALITY
  n.  Where the pizza dude comes from.

REDUNDANCY
  n.  An airbag in a politician's car.

REJECTION
  n.  When your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

RENAULT
  acro.  Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash.

RESOLUTIONARIES
  n.  Folks who show up at the gym for the three to five weeks after New Year's, then are never seen again, as in: New Year's "Resolutionaries". (from Louis Freund)

RETIREMENT
  1.  acro.  Twice as much husband, half as much money.
  2.  acro.  When you stop living at work and start working at life.

RING
  n.  Item used to explore the drain in one's sink.

ROFL
  acro.  Rolling On the Floor Laughing.

ROTISSERIE
  n.  A Ferris wheel for chickens.

S (top of page)

SAAB
  acro.  Swedish Automobile - Always Broken.

SCHOOL
  n.  A learning prison.

SKIER
  n.  Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

SLEEP
  1.  n.  A poor substitute for caffeine.
  2.  n.  That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

SOCIALISM
  n.  Man exploiting man. Capitalism: The reverse.

SPOILS OF WAR, THE
  phrs.  Army food.

STICK
  n.  A boomerang that doesn't work.

STP
  acro.  Stop Those Pistons.

STRESS
  n.  Doing a tight 180-degree U-turn at Warp 9.5.

SUBARU
  acro.  Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium.

SUCCUBUS
  int.  One Greek to another, "SUCCUBUS, Let's take a chariot."

SUSHI
  n.  Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.

SYNONYM
  n.  Word you use when you can't spell the one you want.

SYSOP
  1.  n.  One who reconfigures.
  2.  n.  The person laughing at your typing.

T (top of page)

TACT
  n.  Knowing how far to go in going too far.

TAGLINES
  1.  n.  The restroom walls of BBSing
  2.  n.  The bumper stickers of the information super highway.

TAX
  n.  Fine for doing fine. FINE: Tax for doing wrong.

TEDIOCRITY
  n.  Overexposure to mediocrity. (from George Hofman)

TELEPRONE
  adj.  Apt to answer a cell phone anywhere it rings. (from Simon Mayerhofer)

TERROR
  n.  A female Klingon with PMS.

THESAURUS
  n.  Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

TOYOTA
  acro.  Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All.

TREE
  n.  Plant used to stop cars.

TRIUMPH
  acro.  The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily.

TUNAR
  n.  Sonarlike device in can that causes cats to appear.

U (top of page)

UNILINGUAL
  n.  American.

UNWRITTEN BOOK
  phrs.  "Dash for the Bathroom" by Willie Makitt.

V (top of page)

VACATION
  n.  A place to go without having to.

VW
  acro.  Very Worthless.

W (top of page)

WASHINGTON D.C.
  n.  A work free drug place.

WINDOWS
  n.  The best 89 dollar solitaire game you can buy.

WITLAG
  n.  The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

WMD
  acro.  Weekends of Mass Deduction, i.e. fat farm vacations.

WOMAN
  n.  Man, the sequel.

WORK
  n.  The slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life. SEE JOB.

WUSBAND
  n.  Ex-husband. (from Randi Petrone)

X Y Z (top of page)

Y2K
    1.  n.  Recountdown to 1980.
    2.  acro.  Year 2000, give or take a few years.  SEE MILLENNIUM.

APPENDIX SMILIES:
Original copyright 1995, Steven E. Fullenwider

Currently maintained and updated by the Cupola staff with the express permission of the original author.  Any comments, ramblings, or sayings are greatly appreciated.