What if Microsoft
Started Making Cars?

By an Unknown Author*

  1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that model year instead of before it.

  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

  3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it.  For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.

  4. You could only have one person in the car at a time in the first rollout of Microsoft Car.  Microsoft Bus for Workgroups followed shortly with the ability to hold passengers and establish designated drivers, but you had to buy new seats.

  5. Sun Motorsysters would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast-but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

  6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "general car fault" warning light.

  7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.

  8. We would all have to switch to Microsoft gas and get Passports to drive anywhere.

  9. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

  10. To stop the car, you would push the "Start" button.

  11. Optional Sadfang® wireful technology will allow you to remotely start your car from your toaster, and to monitor your refrigerator's O. J. levels while on the road.  This technology should not be confused with the Big Mother® technology that beams your every thought back to Redmond.  That has always been standard equipment.

  12. At 500 mile intervals, an auto-maintenance feature would check the tires for new leaks, patching them with Microsoft brand duct tape as needed.  Drivers who disable this feature would learn to ignore dire warnings about possible premature death and dismemberment every time they boot (start up) the vehicle.

  13. Identifying an underserved market for bigger, faster, and more fuel-efficient cars, they would develop a new SUV-motor scooter hybrid, the Longhorned Vespah.  To recapture their lost youth market, it would be available in six luscious shades of avocado green.  Thanks to the latest TarDOS® technology, this deceptively compact runabout would offer a luxurious AirScream® interior, making it a joy to park, and comfy enough for those long MS-Space flights of fancy.  Fueling its mighty hybrid V2 rocket engine would be a combination of dilithium batteries and buffalo chips.

* Google's old UseNet archives has this well publicized piece making its uncredited appearance online in 1995.  Since then, Cupola has taken the liberty of  updating item 4, which hadn't aged well, and adding its own items 10 thru 13 in May of 2006.
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